I really try my best to be real, especially on
platforms such as social media or my blog. I mean, what's the point in faking it? I recently posted this picture on Facebook.
My daughter had quit cheerleading at the football game and was crying for me just because. Daddy was at drill and thankfully my sister was there to help. This picture, however, was taken after she threw an epic fit over not getting a sucker and I told her we were going home. So I got to be "that" mom. I put it on Facebook because we are all always posting perfect pictures. Not that that's bad, of course we want to put our best foot forward....but sometimes reality is a nice breath of fresh air in the social media world.
So I'm writing this in the
interest of letting all the other mothers out there know that they are
not alone. I have a four-month-old baby, a five-year-old and a
10-year-old. They are all in completely different stages of life and all
simultaneously dependent on their mother in completely different ways. In the same house we have: a hormonal, prepubescent, pre-teenage girl that needs lots of attention; a new-to-kindergarten, no-longer-the-baby, overly tired 5-year-old girl
that needs lots of attention; and now we've added a four-month-old that only wants to play and have himself rocked
every moment of the day because he's a baby and that's what they do...and
also needs lots of attention. And I'm not even going to get into the
husband who works hard all day to provide for his family, who also
needs lots of...ahem... attention. *wink wink*
Do you know who else needs some attention? Me. And I don't even want it from other people. I just want to give myself some attention. Paint my toes...take a nap...read a book...TAKE A FREAKING SHOWER.
But instead of being able to give myself some attention, I just give my
attention to others over and over and over and over and over on a daily basis. And
most days that's OK. Most days I can handle all of that with no problem and still feel like a fulfilled, happy wife and mother. There are days I get so frustrated with my
baby who won't sleep, but then he smiles at me like this...
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| No joke. I was so frustrated with his non-stop crying, I laid him down and he did this. Little Turd. |
...and my heart
melts and everything is OK. But then there are days when he gets up five
times in the night, he won't sleep, he won't take a nap
unless I'm holding him, won't swing or bounce or play, and I have about 100 million other things that I
really need to do. Those are the days I'm talking about. The days when I finally get to
have breakfast at 10:00 AM, all I really want is a piece of toast and there is no bread. In fact,
there is not only just no bread... there are no eggs, no cereal, no nothing
because you need to get groceries and you fed the rest of your family
before yourself. These are the days that you completely lose it. Over a
piece of toast.
It's
days like this that you throw
your baby in the car (not literally, people) and drive 6 miles to the next
town to get a McDonald's bagel sandwich and a hot coffee. And when the girl in the drive-thru tells you they no longer carry bagel sandwiches, you are kind of a bitch to her even though you know it's not her fault. It's
ridiculous, a waste of gas and money, and you may have ruined that poor girl's day...but so completely necessary for
you to keep the little bit of sanity you have left. (Well, not the being bitchy part. Don't do that. That was really wrong of me.)
These
are the days when Murphy's Law takes over. Need to get the bills done?
The computer won't work. Hungry? There's no food. Baby finally sleeping?
The dog barks. Try to take a nap? You can't sleep. Cooking dinner? You
burn your fingers. Want to write a blog post? Your internet WILL move like molasses. And so on.
The
only way to get through days like this is when you're having a meltdown
and your mom happens to call, answer the phone. Let her talk you down.
Or if your husband's working late and you just can't take it anymore, hand him the baby when he walks in the door, get in the car and go to
your friend's house until you calm down. (And perhaps drink all of her wine.) And when the baby just won't
stop crying, you are exhausted and starting to get angry...put him in
the crib, shut the door and walk away. I say all these things because
I've had to do all of them this week, and I will probably have to
continue to do them so that I can survive this period of my life.
This
post isn't a "poor me" post. It's a "real me" post. It isn't an I-have-it-so-much-worse-than-my-husband post. It's an I-have-it-different-than-my-husband post.
And it's definitely not an I-have-it-worse-than-you post. It's most likely an I-have-it-the-same-as-you post. I
said I was writing this so other moms would know that they're not alone. I
realize now that that's a lie, I'm writing this for myself. So that I
know that I'm not alone. Because days like this you feel very alone...
Well wait, you say. Aren't you a Christian? Don't you have Jesus you can lean on? You're not really alone....
You're right, but...Christianity is not always roses. If someone told you that
accepting Jesus as your Savior would mean that your life wouldn't have
any problems and you would always be happy, then you my friend have just
bought a bridge. Just because you have a savior doesn't mean your life
is always going to be perfect. I would love for this post to be one of
the ones that says
"this was going so horribly and then I read this
Bible verse and God made it feel all
better". But it is not. There are days that you just feel hopeless and
like nothing is going right and it never will. The only redeeming factor
is that there IS hope because you DO have a savior. So I will keep going because do love my life...I just don't love all of my days. And today is one of those days.
As I wrote this post, it occurred to me that I wrote a similar post a couple years ago...but it IS the kind about hope and Bible verses...so if you need that hope, then read this. And if you are wondering why I'm writing another post about having a bad day...because it's my blog and I can cry if I want to.
Just to reiterate that I DO truly love my life and family...here's one more picture.
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| First Day of School Selfie |
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